Not everyone has experienced loss. Not everyone knows what is appropriate to say when someone they know loses someone they love. You want to be there for that friend or family member but you feel you would say or do something to make them feel worse. So you don’t say anything. You don’t reach out. You feel bad but you assume that person has the right people around anyway. That they don’t really need you.
When I lost my mom, I was barely 20. My friends didn’t know how to act around me. I remember crying for a full hour in my class. I remember lashing out to people who showed me pity. I remember being angry. I held those grudges for a long time before I realised that they were doing their best to be there for me. They just didn’t know how.
Everyone has their own way of dealing with grief. So to list out dos-and-don’ts would be inappropriate. However, from my own personal experience, some things may be common to all. We don’t need to study psychology and know the proper terms for the different stages of grief; we just need to be human.
Don’t ask them to be strong. When being strong is the only option left, you don’t need to be told to be strong. Suggesting them to be strong would mean they aren’t being strong and that will just anger them more. Similarly, no one asks for advice. Telling them that it’ll be okay is useless. It won’t be okay anytime soon. Philosophy is the most annoying aspect of dealing with grief initially. It probably helps after a while (a while meaning a few months) but the immediate reaching- out needs to be strictly non philosophical.
Don’t be curious about the cause of death. That doesn’t matter. When they’re ready to tell you, they will. Either way, you’re not here to save a dying person that the cause of suffering needs to be known to be able to provide help. You’re here for the one who remained behind.
Acknowledge the terrible news. Providing a distraction does not mean you ignore what has happened. If at any point, the conversation goes towards talking about death, let it. Don’t change the topic. A big part of grieving is talking about death. The ugliest of emotions may come out. There can be lashing. There can be abusing and yelling and lots of crying. Just listen. Don’t try logic at this point. Abuse with them. Yell with them. Cry with them.
Don’t try to empathise by citing a difficult situation in your life. Nothing compares to death.
Ask them what they ate. After my mom’s death, I refused to eat. I didn’t realise that an empty stomach can give birth to much worse thoughts. My father, for whom this was probably a much bigger loss, but who has more experience dealing with the death of close family members, said some wise words, “you’re going to eat tomorrow or day after. Why not right now?” So yes, eating is important.
Be specific in your texts. “Call me if you need to go for a drive.” “Call me if you need to yell.” “Call me if you want company.” This enables the bereaved to think of you when they are feeling a certain way. If you vaguely tell them to connect with you if they need something, it may never happen.
Change the geography. If you’re not someone who can handle listening to all the crying, take them for a walk. If you’re in the bedroom, ask them to come to the kitchen for water. Basically, get up and change the surroundings.
Survivor’s guilt is a real thing. The only advice you may give or shutting up you should do, is when the person starts to recall all the ways he or she should be blamed for the death. There will be regrets , there will be thoughts of things that could’ve been done. There will be immense guilt. That wouldn’t do any good. In the long run, these thoughts would manifest into deeper negative changes in personality. This shouldn’t be allowed to set in right from the beginning.
Sympathy is something I didn’t enjoy at all. At first, I didn’t want to hear people tell me they’re sorry. But again, giving condolences is important. Just seeing the number of people that were affected by this death was somewhat comforting. Even saying “I don’t know what to say” is saying something.
Be ready for awkwardness. For me, death humour was helpful but it made my friends super uncomfortable. I think it was a tiny bit satisfying to see them squirm at the bare mention of death.
There’s no right or wrong way to process grief. People can deal with their pain silently or by yelling. Be ready to forgive. If they don’t want to talk to you, it’s not personal. If they blame you for having a relationship in your life that they don’t anymore, it’s not personal.
The real “being there for them” starts probably two weeks or a month later. Till now, all the rituals are over. The bombardment of condolences is ebbing away. This is when the loneliness starts to set in; when reality hits. If possible, spend time with the bereaved person now. Take them out for coffee. Take them out shopping. Have them dress up for a fancy meal. Celebrate a victory with them. Life will go on, even for them. But now they have to live knowing that their life will never be the same. Little things which may look insignificant or even plain stupid to you, may hold deeper meaning for them. Don’t make fun of this. Also, you don’t have the right to decide the pace for recovery for them. If they don’t feel ready, don’t rush them. Time is the best healer, not your advice.
All this being said, you cannot pour from an empty cup. You don’t have to justify yourself if you’re not emotionally available. It’s perfectly wise to choose your own sanity , especially in these times when there’s so much misery around. The current situation is much more worse. There are multiple deaths. There is no possibility of going out for fresh air. There is no chance of a friend dropping in. The pandemic has anyway dug a hole in everyone’s resilience. Dealing with a grieving friend or relative is going to be even more difficult. But just remember that the one who has lost is not trying to keep it together like you are; they’ve already fallen apart. They have to, and will overcome, with or without you.
