I Don't Miss My Mom.

Yes, it’s as simple as that.

It’s not like she was a bad mother. It’s not like I was not attached to her. Maybe she was; maybe I was. But does it matter right now, at this very moment?

She isn’t around me, she isn’t loving me, she isn’t taking care of me right now. Her role in my life ended six months ago. Maybe I am being a rude daughter; maybe it seems like I never loved her. The fact is, she isn’t here.  

Am I angry at her for that? Am I feeling abandoned? Not at all.

My life changed in these last six months. I got a new family. I never had sisters; I got 3 sisters. I never had older brothers; I got 3 of them. I never knew what it was like to have a grandmother living in the house. Now I do. I never knew how much fun it is to have a baby around. Now I know. I always lived in a nuclear family. Now I live I a joint one, that too a huge one. I have never seen my house so full. Now it’s not my house; it belongs to ten more people.

Maa is not here, so what? People who are here, they matter. Have I forgotten her? So soon? Maybe, maybe not. Does it really matter?

Her death taught me that life can’t be taken for granted. She went away so abruptly, so suddenly, that there was never any time for a goodbye. And why can’t the same fate be mine? What if I don’t wake up tomorrow?

If today was my last day, would I spend it crying for someone who-wait. Let’s end it here-would I spend it crying? No I would not. So is ‘missing Maa’ a check on the to-do list? Am I considered a bad daughter if I don’t miss someone who lived with me for 20 years?

Is being emotional as per the society’s notions the only reaction I should be giving? Should I be crying for my mother just because I should be crying for my mother?

That’s not what my father taught me. That’s not how I grew up to be. My mom made me independent, ready to take on the world alone if need be. She would be proud of me. Then again, who knows? It’s not my headache to assume what my late mother would be thinking of me right now. That’s just stupid.

Right now, I have a full house. Right now, nothing in my house is amiss. Right now, everyone around me is laughing. Someone is cooking good food, someone is dancing away to the new Honey Singh song, someone is teaching someone about the new gadgets in town and this baby? She is laughing just because she wants to. She doesn’t know that a member of the family is not around.  She lives in the present. She smiles and laughs and bangs her head into other peoples’ heads. She’s happy.

So am I.

And to feel guilty about being happy? No, that’s not how we are. Happiness for us doesn’t lie outside. Happiness for us isn’t even bound with a person. Happiness for us is believing that right now, at this very moment, we are alive. That is reason enough to celebrate. Happiness is focussing on the part that is HERE and not at the part that isn’t. Happiness is contagious. And we are highly infected people.

Being happy is not a goal for us; it isn’t time bound or condition based. Being happy for us is just being. Right here, right now, at this very moment. 

It's a Good Life.

What I learnt from the BDC in the last few months:

1.       It’s okay to cry. But it’s more okay to smile. It’s a habit, not a necessity.

2.       Keep yourself entertained. Otherwise Vinni is always there to take the lead.

3.       Have Hit fights. Or polish fights. It keeps your laughter muscles in good working condition.

4.       It’s totally okay to indulge in death humour. If something is kept ‘safe’ in some cupboard, it’s okay to say that we should call Maa and ask her. And then to say that the line is busy at the moment.

5.       Good food is very important for life. Learn to cook like Wifey, or drive away to Faridabad.

6.       Parties are also important. Going to Goa is a nice idea once in a while.

7.       Sleeping excessively is always easy. But then, it’s a waste of time.

8.       Sitting on your wife or putting your kid in a bucket are good entertainment practices.

9.       General knowledge should be a priority. Otherwise people will take your case and not let you live. Read the paper.

10.   Half-smile or scratching the head all the time will make us call you GB and no, you don’t want that.

11.   Leaving your in-laws/baby/family/a rented house are not sacrifices if you get to live here on a full-time basis. This is a party house, admit it.

12.   It’s okay to call any random ugly girl as Zehreeli.

13.   Walking regularly is important. But we will still love you if you have elephant thighs, don’t worry.

14.   The babies in the house should not be manhandled. Or they can be; it’s fun.

15.   Cleanliness does not exist anymore. It’s okay. A messy house is better than an empty house.

16.   Birthday celebrations may involve balloon fights on the road, face-in-the-cake moments and 1000 pictures.

17.   Each time you visit your hair laser clinic, it’s okay to post your Rajnikant style photo in the group. It’s proof that you’re not sleeping in Saket but are actually busy; that’s why you didn’t come to office.

18.   Not bathing for days is okay; no one cares.

19.   Pink pajamas with pink jackets are totally in. Really, I mean it.

20.   Keeping quiet in an argument makes the definition of an argument void.

21.   There should be a designated person who decides what should be cooked for breakfast, lunch and dinner daily.

22.   No matter the number of people, there is always space in the house for everyone.

23.   Foreheads are not normally so big. It’s okay if you do; we still love you.

24.   It’s okay if you don’t get a beard at the age of 18. We won’t abandon you.

25.   Snowy is not a dog. Accept it.

26.   It’s nice to decide every morning which car you should drive today. We have a lot of variety.

27.   Weird songs and weird dances are most welcome, any time, any day. We value creative minds.

28.   Missing clothes are not really missing. They’re here only…somewhere.

29.   Little people are also interesting creatures.

30.   It’s good to talk. And listen. It makes you more intelligent.

31.   Jealousy is natural. But gaining victory over it is real satisfaction. He loves you more than you deserve anyway.

32.   Fitting on a single bed is not difficult. Fitting in a single car is also not difficult.

33.   If the house can function normally without her, the world can function without you too. Yes, that’s your value.

34.   Home food every day is not good for health.

35.   This time will also end. BDC may also end one day. But for now, this is real awesomeness.

36.   Never ever leave your Facebook account logged in.
37. Everything can be done in wholesale. Attending parties, shopping, or even going for medical check-ups. That's real unity.

Bitterness- Letting Go.

I think I’ve been splashing around in the water, fearing that I might drown, for a very long time now. I feel like I’ve been waiting for someone to come into the water and pull me to the shore. And if people just sit at the shore and watch, I shout at them, hating them for being safe. What I don’t realise is that for them, the depth isn’t visible. And what I don’t realise is that if I just float, the current will automatically take me to the shore.

I’ve been stupid; very stupid. I’ve let go of emotions which I should not have and I have held close the emotions I should have let go a long time ago. Fear, betrayal, loss, pain, abandonment, loneliness- just words aren’t they-simple to type, very hard to let go. I expected. I waited for them to-what? Pity me? No. To realise I’ve been through a lot? No; I read the paper and I am generally aware that what I went through wasn’t the worst of it all. There are worse situations one can find himself in. Then what had I been waiting for?

I have no answer to that, really.

To suffer after the worst is over, is purely one’s own choice. The human mind is capable of withstanding a lot of hard to understand situations. But the society isn’t. For them, death is scary. It’s a synonym for all those words which I mentioned above. But now, after four months, death is a truth of life. Life goes on, as always. I didn’t die with her, did I? I’m still living. And it is my choice whether I pity myself or I let go of that and smile. Not for them, but for myself. Because it’s true, no one does jump into the water to save you.

Also, now that I choose to float instead of splashing around for help, I realise that the view is brilliant when expectations aren’t fogging my vision. In the end, it’s a one-man show. Everyone stands (or floats) alone. Another important thing I now remember is that I can swim. Why do I even need help then?

Maa

You kept badgering me to do house chores. In the end, you let me be.

Now do you see me, managing the entire house, or trying to?

You kept trying to instil in me the passion for cooking. Then you let me be.

Now do you see me, feeling so helpless in the kitchen, wishing I had learnt cooking from you? Or at least your special dishes?

You taught me to take care of Papa, my brothers and Snowy. But did that mean that your job was over?

No, I don’t feel like you’ve left me here burdened with responsibilities because that you had taught me how to tackle ages ago- how to manage everything and still take out time to chill.

Snowy was missing you today. She kept sitting in front of your cupboard and now she won’t eat. There’s no good food anymore, who wants to eat anyway?

I had always told you I love you whenever you dropped me to the metro station in the mornings. For the last few times, I hadn’t. I wished my actions showed more than what those words tried to convey.

A few days before when I had hugged you, even after getting scolded for no apparent reason, did I know that this would be the last time I would hold you so tight and see your face light up?

No I did not.

You didn’t give us any time. There was no time to digest it and maybe that’s why I still haven’t accepted it yet. I still think you would come in through those doors like you had never left us. I still hope I would see you smile that Madhuri Dixit smile and with the red bindi on your forehead, light up the whole world.

The other day, I locked myself up in the room and just looked at the Kalash kept on the side table. That’s what you are now, ashes in a box. I cried holding your clothes and inhaling in your sweet fragrance. I wish you had come to scold me for keeping your cupboard in such a messy condition. Papa had asked me to stuff all your hair clips and cosmetics there because he couldn’t bear to look at those abandoned things on the dressing table.

Abandoned.

Just like us. The doctors said that it was a miracle that you yourself had driven to the hospital in that condition. They said that the virus which attacked your heart showed no explicit symptoms and had no cure. There was really nothing we could have done. They said they couldn’t put you on life support because your blood pressure wasn’t stable. They let us come meet you in the ICU. You talked to us. You didn’t even know. You asked us when these stupid doctors would let you come back home. We had no answer. You promised Papa you wouldn’t leave him. You gave me a flying kiss and I had to fight back tears before I could give you one back. I touched your forehead and it was so cold, so cold. Then we were asked to go out. Ten minutes later, I saw them do that electric shock thing to you which used to look funny to me in movies. That time, it looked anything but funny.

They asked us to come see you. You breathed your last in Papa’s arms. He tried to wake you up but you didn’t. Your tongue had rolled up. It was the first time I had seen a dead body.

A dead body.

That’s what you had become. Within hours, our world had come crashing down.

You hated cold and you were brought back and kept in an ice box. You slept on ice for 10 hours. Next day, the ladies of the house dressed you up in your favourite clothes. They asked me to pick out the attire. That red suit which you loved. They asked Papa to put that red bindi on your forehead. He put Sindoor on you and then coloured your lips with a lipstick. For the first time, I saw him kiss you on the lips. Then he held you tight and cried. I held you tight and cried. My brothers held you tight and cried. You went on sleeping, dressed in your best. Sleeping beauty wakes up when the prince kisses her. Why didn’t you, Maa?

Your sons have been so strong. Varun performed all those rituals and stuff. Even the one which required him to prod the funeral pyre to break the skull. The next day we collected your ashes. Brought you back home.

Home? No, this wasn’t a home anymore. Home has a mother. Home has a wife. This had neither.

They got your picture printed. That’s what you were now, just a photo on the wall. The same one which was clicked just a week ago, at the wedding for which we had dressed up so much. We had had the time of our lives. All your wishes had gotten fulfilled in the last few months, we realised.

The one thing you wanted most was Papa’s time. The last 2 weeks had been such that Papa hadn’t gone to office and had stayed home with you. He had pampered you and then you left him. You left all of us.

You didn’t see me get published. I had shown you the cover of my book and you had been so happy. I saw all the poems I had written for you, saved in a neat file in your cupboard. You had cherished all the cards too. There was a huge folder with all our certificates. You were proud of us, I know. But you didn’t see Varun get into college or Aditya get his scholar blazer.

I was angry. Very angry. You didn’t fight for us. You didn’t give us a chance to say goodbye. Even though I know that if it had been longer, it would have been worse. And you didn’t suffer at all, that’s also good. But since you had left us here suffering, you should have suffered too.

Papa says I need to smile for his sake. He says that if I am sad, he won’t have any reason to smile. We need to find happiness in small things and help each other.

We don’t need sympathy. We don’t need pity. We don’t need any kind of obligated help from anyone. We are fine, just by ourselves, just with ourselves.

Papa says time heals everything and my brothers wouldn’t even miss you much after a year or so because they’re young. But I will and he will. There is no escaping the truth. You’re never going to be here. I don’t have a mother anymore and Papa is a widow.

I felt blank after a few days. No emotions. Life was going on. Friends with other priorities had finally found time to meet, relatives who had never been to this house before came to offer their condolences. It was annoying after a while. We wanted to be left alone. People who actually mattered never left us. They are still here, showing in their actions that they care. They don’t let us be alone at home. Someone or the other stays and keeps us company. There had been a reason why they had come so close to us in the last one year. There is always a reason.

But stupid logical reasoning wasn’t going to suffice. The truth won’t change.

Every time Papa goes into the room suddenly, I know I have to follow. He needs tight hugs and strong shoulders. It hurts to see my strongest hero in such a mess. 20 years of marriage. You had always fought but then made up too! Why did you have to leave us permanently?

Before leaving for office, Papa used to hug you tight and kiss you on the cheek. Now he kisses your photo. Every time I see that, my eyes well up with tears. I used to hate those kinds of people who kept crying. I always told them to live, for life was short. Now I had become one of those. Even though Papa says that crying is also important, this sinking feeling just won’t go.

Emptiness. Nothing to hold on to, nothing left to lose.

6 months later, this unit called family won’t exist anymore. I would complete my graduation and move on to make my career. Varun would pass out from school and go to college. Aditya would go to a boarding school. Where will that leave Papa? Where will he stay and with whom?

We will see as it comes. Worrying 6 months in advance wasn’t going to do us any good. There is no tomorrow. What is there is today. When being strong is the only option left, one has to be strong. I feel old and like a housewife presently but I know that this phase too shall pass. Nothing is for ever. But these memories won’t go. They will stay.

Nostalgia hasn’t struck us yet. We can’t bring ourselves to look at your photos or remember what all you used to do or how you used to be. We just can’t talk about you in the ‘used to’ tense. But we will someday. We will have to. There is no running away. 

Hear Us Out, Please.

Dear People Aged 40 and Above,

Hey, what’s up? Yes, that’s how we greet each other in this generation. I’m sure it’s not as cool as Namaste or ‘Paeri Pauna ji’ but it’s not that bad either if you think about it.

I know you think of us as people who have no manners, no respect and absolutely no values. But that’s not the case. I’m not here to disregard all your teachings and ‘Sanskar’; I’m just here to present the case of the younger generation. We aren’t as bad as you think we are.

We may not have seen the hardships of life as you people have; we may not have had to work right from scratch to earn a living but that doesn’t mean we’re a bunch of losers. A spoilt brat is not made overnight; it’s the way he’s brought up. Who’s fault is that then? Not his, I’m sure. If his parents have given him a good life, all the super electronics and the best of clothes, is it his fault that this is the life he is acquainted with? Is he supposed to throw it all away just because you want him to learn how it is to live a poorer life?

Yes, you had your obstacles in life. We do too. We have a lot more competition than you people did in your time. Earning a name among a population of billions is not that easy. It’s not like we get everything on a plate. Just because we don’t go through the same difficulties that you did, doesn’t mean we don’t face difficulties at all.

It’s a convention in many houses that one needs to be a doctor or an engineer to be called successful. That was years ago. In today’s world, the one who tries something new and different walks the path of success. We explore new ventures; we walk the unknown. Doesn’t that make us more daring?

Getting married as soon as a girl crosses 21 years of age isn’t appreciated anymore. Girls aren’t burdens. It’s not like they’re living with you just to be fed properly and then sent off to another house. We live in a modern society. A girl has as big dreams as a boy does. We want you to recognise that.

You say we have taken all the wrong ideas from the west. If a boy is sent abroad to study and he becomes an NRI, he’s respected but if a girl tries to do the same, she’s getting out of hands. Moving on from gender discrimination, weren’t you the people who taught us that there is a big wide world out there which is yet to be explored? You taught us to dream and then you crashed all those dreams. We didn’t ask you to be what we wanted. Why is it the other way round? Aren’t we more independent now? Isn’t that the first step towards salvation? Getting rid of all boundaries?

Our dressing style, our eating habits, and our odd time tables don’t match. We like to experiment, to discover ourselves. We believe in casting ourselves out of this cocoon. How is that bad? Yes, we will make mistakes. But you did too, didn’t you? Just because our choices aren’t the same as yours doesn’t mean our decisions don’t affect our lives as your decisions affected you. We will learn, just like you did. We can’t live the same way for the world isn’t the same as it was before.

You taught us to adjust. You taught us to make the best of what we have. Isn’t that what we are doing? You say we don’t save anymore. That you used to work so hard that you earned for the entire household and a family of 6 or 7 and still had enough to put in a bank. The economy in your times was much different than what it is today. If the prices increased, the work load also did. Just because we aren’t doing much of physical work doesn’t mean our work is useless. If we’re working hard and partying harder, how is that bad? We keep a balance in our lives. We don’t see the need to save for someone who would never appreciate our hard work. That’s your complaint, right? That we don’t appreciate all that you’ve done for us? We would like to learn from your mistakes and not land ourselves in the same regret-zone as you did. We earn for ourselves and we enjoy that. We save too whilst not compromising with living our lives. It’s today that we live for, not a tomorrow we haven’t seen.

Let us breathe. We deserve to be given a chance. We deserve to be taken seriously. We aren’t ‘loose characters’. We aren’t that bad. Please don’t look down upon us as if we’re scum. We deserve to be heard. 

College Freshers: A Type

College started a week ago. And now that I’m in my final year, I can fearlessly comment about the Freshers who I see around the campus. Even though I haven’t had a chance to interact with many, there seems to be a general trend that they follow; a kind of a category that they seem to belong to. Surprisingly hardly anyone breaks this clichéd norm. It’s a shame. But then again, even I was hesitant to try something different in my first year. They’ll get around just like I did.

Here is a list of the typical type of Freshers who I have observed with keen interest:

1. The Nerd: There is always this person who you will find issuing books on the very first day. Never seen in the canteen or other hangout places, but only in the library. Watch out for a school bag and heavy specs.
2. The Fashionista: This one is either most sought after or made fun of the most. Generally it’s a girl but even a guy can fit into this category. Recognized easily from a distance, the Fashionista always catches the eye. She (or he) may be wearing clothes which you would normally wear at a party. Watch out for heels, totes and good perfume.
3. The Flirt: The sole aim of getting into college for this person was finding a soul mate. Well, as we know, when we run after love, we don’t usually get it. So The Flirt rarely manages to fulfill his goal. He (or she) may never be seen in class or working for a cause but always at some crowded spot, victimizing and plotting. Watch out for ‘sexy’ glares and an air of “Yo baby, look at me, I’m so cool!”
4. The Auditioner: This person has given his name for every society in college. He thinks he can dance, sing, paint, debate, act and/or play sports. He wants to be known in college for his talents and works hard for whichever society he gets into. Watch out for a whiff of confidence and a busy schedule.
5. The Politician: Well, this category may not be as loud in many colleges but it is in mine. Being a student from the only college of India which has it’s own parliament, complete with an elected Prime Minister, I do see a lot of Freshers getting a taste of politics right from day one. The flashy cars, the rowdy slogan shouting, the standard white kurta attire or the rigorous campaigning, everything fascinates this person and he too desires to be voted for.

I’m sure there would be more categories which I didn’t cover. But those would be specific types. When a student graduates, he does so having become a mixture of all the above types. It’s only a matter of time.

Murder! Murder!

R U 1 of dose whu type lyk dis?

If you are, disclaimer: All items in this article are purely coincidental and are not intended to harm or offend anyone from any background, religion or gender.

I understand that it’s the technological era and we live in the ‘SMS language’ world. But now that we have smart phones and QWERTY keypads on almost all phones, why would anyone want to use short hands anymore?

Guys, let me tell you a secret (applies to girls too actually). Typing in short forms is turning off. And bad grammar is even more so. Yes, I’m one of those people who correct their partner’s grammar while he’s being romantic with me. Yes, I know I totally kill the moment but dude, the grammar kills it before I do!  

I was in class yesterday and I was trying to decipher what my chemistry teacher meant half the time while she was speaking. ‘You should be write’, ‘that phenomenon will be occur’ or ‘this is the belongs to’ are just some of the phrases which totally killed my concentration regarding more important facts. Microsoft Word underlines these phrases in green proving that it is not right to murder English like this!

Yes, English can be confusing at times. Specially the pronunciation part. Like why is ‘ch’ pronounced differently in Christmas and chair. Or why shock has the same sound but different spelling as stalk. Why cut is not pronounced similar to put, even though they have the same letter ‘u’ in between. Why the past tense of fall is fell but that of call is not cell.

It takes years and maybe a lot of reading practice to actually get a lot of words and their combinations right along with their meanings. Why finish and complete can be used one for another while talking about work but not so when talking about finding a life partner. I read a joke recently which explained the meaning of the two: finding a soul mate completes you. Finding a soul mate while you’re married to someone else finishes you and getting caught with that soul mate by your partner completely finishes you.

Words used in Hindi may not be used in a similar manner in English. For example, in Hindi, the plural of sheep is countable but in English, the plural of sheep is not sheeps but a flock of sheep. There is no word as ships; it is a fleet of ships.

Good English makes for good reading. Perfect grammar makes for a satisfactory article. For an English student, using a comma in the right place is as important as adding salt to lemonade. Otherwise ‘let’s eat, my friend’ won’t be any different from ‘let’s eat my friend’ and that won’t really be a nice thing to do now, would it?