I.am.not.a.loser.

 School was great. No, it was awesome. I was the editor of the magazine, member of the students’ council, member of the basketball team. I belonged somewhere. I was someone.

College was a disappointment. More because I expected a lot and reality was not what I had expected. The very first day, I returned home with a feeling, “THIS is college? No ragging? No music? No instant friends? No basketball court?”  But no, I’m not writing to emphasise on all this. I want to write something I can read later and know that if I can survive this, I can survive more.

I learnt a lot this last one year. I learnt to adjust. I learnt that life doesn’t always give you what it had always given you. So you should never take your time with someone for granted. The time you were someone or belonged somewhere does not last. But happiness is a different issue. Was I happy in school because I knew I was good at something? And was I disappointed with college because I felt like I was betrayed of all the promises my dreams had made? Happiness is within me. It has always been within me. It’s just that I focussed on it more when I was in school and forgot all about it in college.

I enjoyed studying in school. Completing my work well before time, finishing studies a month before exams and watching movies days before them, that was me. Now, my thinking had become, “who studies in college?” I had forgotten that I used to study for myself, to give myself the satisfaction that I knew stuff. I forgot myself in the quest to find myself.

I regretted not giving the auditions for the drama society of my college last year. I didn’t have enough guts. I thought drama is not my forte. The vacations after my first year ended, I made some promises to myself. On top of the list was giving the auditions. At least appearing for them.

I saw my school friends and got jealous. They knew exactly what they wanted, exactly what they loved. And they enjoyed striving for their love. But did that mean that my love had to be what their love was? No. I had started looking for “my cup of tea” in others’ saucers. I assumed that whatever I was doing wasn’t cool enough and that what they were doing was the thing to do. I didn’t see the happiness in their work. I didn’t notice that their thing looked great to me because they were happy doing it, not because the thing was great.

I learnt. I learnt that happiness and fun does not reside in an activity, it resides in me. My passion, my will, my heart.

This year, yes, I auditioned. I lasted all 3 days when most people give up on the first. It was a challenge for me. I didn’t want to get in this year. Why? Because I had something better lined up. Call it chance or luck but the captain of my school’s boys’ team got admission in my college this year. One thing led to another and before I knew it, I was asked to form the girls’ basketball team. I put up posters, I organised trials and got people to get up in the morning and come for practice. I wasn’t looking to being a leader. But basketball is my passion, it makes me happy and I would do anything for it.

During the drama society auditions, I was asked how I would manage both. I told them basketball would be my priority. If it had been someone else who was initiating the team, I would have told them otherwise. But since I was the one who was central to the basic possibility of the formation of the girls’ basketball team, I couldn’t back out. I chose basketball. And then I felt confused.

What if this doesn’t work out? I would end up belonging nowhere, again.

And then I realised.

I had to start acting like the leader I should be. If I start being sceptic about it, how would that leave my team? I am not going to give up this time. I want to be known as the girl who started the girls’ basketball team in a college which is more than 100 years old. Sometimes decisions have to be made and they may not be easy.

This decision was very small if you see life as a whole. But it taught me a lot.

It taught me to believe in my choices. To not regret my choices. To work towards what I have chosen and not look back at what I haven’t. I’m done being lost. I’m done waiting for things to happen. I’m done trying to be someone I am not.

Why did I appear for the 3^rd day of drama society audition then when I was sure that I didn’t want to get in? Because I don’t give up. I had chosen to challenge myself and leaving that in between is just not what defines me. Some of my friends call me stupid, to have gone through all that for nothing. But I know that exhilarating feeling inside me, having completed the challenge I’d set up for myself.  

Second year has definitely started with a new promise. I look forward to college. I look forward to embracing who I am. If being a nerd is what gave me immense satisfaction in school, so be it in college too. I decided to join the science forum of my college as well.

We may not win a single match for some months, because we’re making a team from scratch. But that’s no reason to regret choosing it. Sure, we’ll have to do a lot of work, endure a lot of politics, but we’ll do it.

Because choosing easy is really not what I do. And it’s going to pay off. Is that hope? No, that’s belief. And this makes me feel like a winner already.