I am happy.
It has been almost 2 years since I said
that sentence and truly meant it. It is such a great, warm feeling that I feel
high just dwelling on it.
I try not to lie to myself. I can lie to
the world or try to pretend for the society but no, Papa taught me to be
truthful to myself, no matter how harsh the truth. This time, the truth isn’t
harsh. This time, the truth is nice.
I met a lot of my friends the last time I
was in Delhi, a month ago. After meeting them, I realized that I had been
holding a grudge against some of them for the longest of times. I had expected
them to be there for me and blah blah blah. After meeting them, I found out
that they were not the ones being stuck up, I was. In my mind I had not
forgotten and that made me grumpy. I worked on that epiphany and introspection
helped me out a great deal. I am in such a better place now.
Life goes on, but moving on is a conscious
choice. I thought I had moved on but one meeting with old friends made me
realize that I still held so much negativity inside me. Now, I can undoubtedly
say that I have moved on.
I moved on from being dependent. I moved on
from being needy. I moved on from being an emotional crap. I moved on from
needing a shoulder. I moved on from restlessness. I moved on from loneliness. I
moved on from holding grudges.
I feel I grew up more in this last one
month than I had in the last 10 months.
My concern with living in Gondia was that I
would be alone in a new place, with a weak mind, away from Papa. I am still in
Gondia and I feel happy. That is like an achievement in this spiritual journey.
Papa always said that if I am not happy right here right now, I wouldn’t be
happy later. I never truly understood this before now.
This time when I came back to Gondia, I
didn’t immediately want to go back. I had an amazing time with my girls,
dancing late into the night. It suddenly hit me that we just had a couple of
months more together. Just 2-3 months more of the only hostel life I’d get to
experience all my life. That just gave me the zest to live this time to the
fullest. Now that the end is near, things look different. It is all a matter of
perception. It is all a matter of how we train our minds to react.
I feel happy here. Nothing has really
changed, except that I am living in now. I am not wishing to be someplace else.
I am not wishing to talk to people who aren’t here. I am not living in the days
AFTER I complete the training. I am just being.
I feel changed. I feel strong. I feel
powerful. Circumstances may or may not change but the power of one’s mind, the
over-balance of positivity can make such a huge difference, I never knew.
I feel ready for the next phase of growing
up, of learning. Bring it on!
That was two weeks ago.
Life listens very eagerly when you ask it
to throw something at you. I got in trouble with my flying and had to face
humiliation for something I never thought I would. That just made me realize
that I am not invincible and things can happen to anyone, including me.
The situation demanded me to test myself,
which would prove that I wasn’t going to revert back to the ocean I just swam
ashore from. I am proud to say that I reacted well. I took it head-on and survived.
I knew that I had survived through much worse- this was still not that big a
deal. It isn’t like I came out victorious, regarding the accusations but I did
come out victorious in my own eyes. I didn’t fall into the well of
hopelessness. Papa was out of the country for a few days and I swore to myself
that I would be back to normal before I talked to him again. When I did, he
felt proud of me too. Just hearing that satisfaction in his voice made me
happy. I had not failed him.
Listening to people judge you, on your
face, sometimes make you judge yourself. I started doubting my own skills but
then I stopped. Mistakes happen and it is more important to learn from them
than to be scared of them.
I made some very good friends here. One of
those friends completed his course and left yesterday. I thought I would feel
really sad but I am glad I don’t. This means that this phase that I am living
in right now, this strong and happy one, isn’t dependent on anyone but me. It
feels so good to feel independent! This is what I used to be, 2 years ago. Now
it is time to move forward and learn some more. I don’t want to waste anymore
time, waiting for things to change. The change will always be within me, and
believing that makes nothing seem scary anymore.
I like this. I love this. I want to keep
living in this. And I shall.
