Yes, it’s as simple as that.
It’s not like she was a bad mother. It’s not like I was not
attached to her. Maybe she was; maybe I was. But does it matter right now, at
this very moment?
She isn’t around me, she isn’t loving me, she isn’t taking
care of me right now. Her role in my life ended six months ago. Maybe I am
being a rude daughter; maybe it seems like I never loved her. The fact is, she
isn’t here.
Am I angry at her for that? Am I feeling abandoned? Not at
all.
My life changed in these last six months. I got a new
family. I never had sisters; I got 3 sisters. I never had older brothers; I got
3 of them. I never knew what it was like to have a grandmother living in the
house. Now I do. I never knew how much fun it is to have a baby around. Now I know.
I always lived in a nuclear family. Now I live I a joint one, that too a huge
one. I have never seen my house so full. Now it’s not my house; it belongs to
ten more people.
Maa is not here, so what? People who are here, they matter. Have
I forgotten her? So soon? Maybe, maybe not. Does it really matter?
Her death taught me that life can’t be taken for granted. She
went away so abruptly, so suddenly, that there was never any time for a
goodbye. And why can’t the same fate be mine? What if I don’t wake up tomorrow?
If today was my last day, would I spend it crying for
someone who-wait. Let’s end it here-would I spend it crying? No I would not. So
is ‘missing Maa’ a check on the to-do list? Am I considered a bad daughter if I
don’t miss someone who lived with me for 20 years?
Is being emotional as per the society’s notions the only
reaction I should be giving? Should I be crying for my mother just because I should
be crying for my mother?
That’s not what my father taught me. That’s not how I grew
up to be. My mom made me independent, ready to take on the world alone if need
be. She would be proud of me. Then again, who knows? It’s not my headache to
assume what my late mother would be thinking of me right now. That’s just
stupid.
Right now, I have a full house. Right now, nothing in my
house is amiss. Right now, everyone around me is laughing. Someone is cooking
good food, someone is dancing away to the new Honey Singh song, someone is
teaching someone about the new gadgets in town and this baby? She is laughing
just because she wants to. She doesn’t know that a member of the family is not
around. She lives in the present. She smiles
and laughs and bangs her head into other peoples’ heads. She’s happy.
So am I.
And to feel guilty about being happy? No, that’s not how we
are. Happiness for us doesn’t lie outside. Happiness for us isn’t even bound
with a person. Happiness for us is believing that right now, at this very
moment, we are alive. That is reason enough to celebrate. Happiness is
focussing on the part that is HERE and not at the part that isn’t. Happiness is
contagious. And we are highly infected people.
Being happy is not a goal for us; it isn’t time bound or
condition based. Being happy for us is just being. Right here, right now, at
this very moment.
