I.am.not.a.loser.

 School was great. No, it was awesome. I was the editor of the magazine, member of the students’ council, member of the basketball team. I belonged somewhere. I was someone.

College was a disappointment. More because I expected a lot and reality was not what I had expected. The very first day, I returned home with a feeling, “THIS is college? No ragging? No music? No instant friends? No basketball court?”  But no, I’m not writing to emphasise on all this. I want to write something I can read later and know that if I can survive this, I can survive more.

I learnt a lot this last one year. I learnt to adjust. I learnt that life doesn’t always give you what it had always given you. So you should never take your time with someone for granted. The time you were someone or belonged somewhere does not last. But happiness is a different issue. Was I happy in school because I knew I was good at something? And was I disappointed with college because I felt like I was betrayed of all the promises my dreams had made? Happiness is within me. It has always been within me. It’s just that I focussed on it more when I was in school and forgot all about it in college.

I enjoyed studying in school. Completing my work well before time, finishing studies a month before exams and watching movies days before them, that was me. Now, my thinking had become, “who studies in college?” I had forgotten that I used to study for myself, to give myself the satisfaction that I knew stuff. I forgot myself in the quest to find myself.

I regretted not giving the auditions for the drama society of my college last year. I didn’t have enough guts. I thought drama is not my forte. The vacations after my first year ended, I made some promises to myself. On top of the list was giving the auditions. At least appearing for them.

I saw my school friends and got jealous. They knew exactly what they wanted, exactly what they loved. And they enjoyed striving for their love. But did that mean that my love had to be what their love was? No. I had started looking for “my cup of tea” in others’ saucers. I assumed that whatever I was doing wasn’t cool enough and that what they were doing was the thing to do. I didn’t see the happiness in their work. I didn’t notice that their thing looked great to me because they were happy doing it, not because the thing was great.

I learnt. I learnt that happiness and fun does not reside in an activity, it resides in me. My passion, my will, my heart.

This year, yes, I auditioned. I lasted all 3 days when most people give up on the first. It was a challenge for me. I didn’t want to get in this year. Why? Because I had something better lined up. Call it chance or luck but the captain of my school’s boys’ team got admission in my college this year. One thing led to another and before I knew it, I was asked to form the girls’ basketball team. I put up posters, I organised trials and got people to get up in the morning and come for practice. I wasn’t looking to being a leader. But basketball is my passion, it makes me happy and I would do anything for it.

During the drama society auditions, I was asked how I would manage both. I told them basketball would be my priority. If it had been someone else who was initiating the team, I would have told them otherwise. But since I was the one who was central to the basic possibility of the formation of the girls’ basketball team, I couldn’t back out. I chose basketball. And then I felt confused.

What if this doesn’t work out? I would end up belonging nowhere, again.

And then I realised.

I had to start acting like the leader I should be. If I start being sceptic about it, how would that leave my team? I am not going to give up this time. I want to be known as the girl who started the girls’ basketball team in a college which is more than 100 years old. Sometimes decisions have to be made and they may not be easy.

This decision was very small if you see life as a whole. But it taught me a lot.

It taught me to believe in my choices. To not regret my choices. To work towards what I have chosen and not look back at what I haven’t. I’m done being lost. I’m done waiting for things to happen. I’m done trying to be someone I am not.

Why did I appear for the 3^rd day of drama society audition then when I was sure that I didn’t want to get in? Because I don’t give up. I had chosen to challenge myself and leaving that in between is just not what defines me. Some of my friends call me stupid, to have gone through all that for nothing. But I know that exhilarating feeling inside me, having completed the challenge I’d set up for myself.  

Second year has definitely started with a new promise. I look forward to college. I look forward to embracing who I am. If being a nerd is what gave me immense satisfaction in school, so be it in college too. I decided to join the science forum of my college as well.

We may not win a single match for some months, because we’re making a team from scratch. But that’s no reason to regret choosing it. Sure, we’ll have to do a lot of work, endure a lot of politics, but we’ll do it.

Because choosing easy is really not what I do. And it’s going to pay off. Is that hope? No, that’s belief. And this makes me feel like a winner already.  

My Happy Place!

There comes a time in everyone’s lives when they get frustrated for nothing. They know they have everything, all is as perfect in their lives as humanly possible and they have nothing to complain about, practically. But there’s still something missing. When life becomes routine, when all one sees is work and sleep and more work and more sleep, a kind of a void fills you up. That happens because you stop paying attention to the little things in life and concentrate only on the things which keep you busy. This way, you lose the bigger picture and your focus becomes narrow. Ironic, isn’t it?

I know this will happen to me more frequently as I grow up. So I made a list. A list of small things which make me smile, make me laugh, make me happy. If ever I start being idiotic, I want to look back on this list and get right back on track.

Visit: http://myhappyplace14.blogspot.in/

Seven Types of Hahaha!

T         1. The Fake One

Most annoying, most irritating, most any-other-synonym, this is one laugh which is most popular among the kitty-party aunties. “Your daughter just peed on my new suit! She’s so cute! Hahaha!” No points for guessing that this laughter is applied when you’re actually fuming but can’t do anything to show it. So you just ‘laugh’.

         2. The Silent One

I have a friend who starts laughing when she remembers a joke. And yes, we never get to know when a funny thought is going to come to her mind and she’s going to start laughing in the middle of a serious conversation. More than the unexpected timing, the speciality of this laugh is the sound. The volume, the pitch, the amplitude. This friend I’m talking about? Her laughter is SILENT. She just laughs with her mouth open, eyes closed, her shoulders vibrating. It’s a sight not to be missed.

            3. The Vibrating One (Nothing perverted please)

Well, this one is quite a new discovery for me. Another one of my friends, when she laughs, she vibrates so much that the entire bench vibrates! It’s difficult to not laugh along with her when you’re in class and listening to formation of azo-compounds and suddenly an earthquake hits your bench. Another sight not to be missed. Her shoulders shake with such precise rhythm, I’m not surprised she’s a musician.

        4. The Creepy One

I’m sure everyone knows at least one person who laughs in such a weird manner, it looks like he’s having a seizure. It’s funny to watch at times, but sometimes, you’re wondering if you should shake the person and ask, “Hello, are you okay? Do you need a glass of water, should I call the doctor?” And then there's the 'speed-breaker' kinds in which you desperately want the person to stop for a moment and take a breath before launching another fit of laughter.

        5. The Shy One

I would like to tell the followers of this type of laughter, please don’t laugh as if you’re doing laughter a favour! Are you embarrassed of the best part that makes you YOU? Sure, people might see you and maybe laugh. But how is that a bad thing? You’re spreading happiness! So lose the inhibitions and that hand from in front of your mouth and LAUGH!!

6    6. The Loud One

Sometimes you hear someone laughing and wonder, “what is so damn funny?” Yes, you feel out of place not being included in the joke. But sometimes a loud laugh can really trigger your own laugh and then there’s no stopping from letting those lips carve and those teeth glow! Loud laughs are usually practiced by those who aren’t afraid of the world, who want to draw attention to themselves or who just can’t control their reaction to an epic narration of a situation!

       7.  The Funny One

Sometimes, one’s laughter is funnier than the joke. This is the best type of laughter and not everyone can manage it. Some have this squeaky laughter that when they laugh, you start looking under the bed for mice. Some have a fart-like start to their laughter and some squirt unwanted saliva on others (sometimes this isn’t funny, it’s plain disgusting).

You know which laugh I like best?  The laugh which says “I’m happy and I know it!”

So go on, widen those lips and laugh like there’s no tomorrow!

Who is Most Powerful?

Will I be God

If I control you,

What you are and what you do?

You come out of the womb crying

And there starts my walk

Tick tock, tick tock, around the clock.

My pace is same all my life

But as you grow, you cry

For you think that, for them I stay and for you I fly.

For some I am a curse

For some, a blessing in disguise

Too much or too little? You be wise.

I tip toe in and halt it all

Even though I myself won’t

Some I force to think; some I haunt.

They call me relative

Too fast, too slow

Why do you even have to compare and know?

In this contemplation, someday you’ll wake up

And wish for it all to rewind

And I won’t let that happen; call me unkind.

You were taught to value me,

But did you?

One day, when you need me the most,

I’ll be done with my endless wait

You’ll just give up and call it your fate.

What you don’t realise

Is that I always give you my best

Lessons good or bad, it will always be a quest.

Yes I can change it, change you

But only when I see the need

Can you walk with me, at my speed?

Bow down to me, I am most powerful

But you can be too, want to know how?

Pace with me, respect me and just live in NOW.

Unpredictable, unreal and unseen

Yes, that’s what I mime

Beware, be relieved, here I come, Time.

Some great personalities said somethings (actually they said a lot of things, that's why they're great you see):

“Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.” 
― Mother Teresa

“Time is what we want most,but what we use worst.” 
― William Penn

“The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is.” 
― C.S. Lewis

Time is so important just like Love. Both can't be seen or heard. But unlike Love, Time can't even be felt. It just IS. Some say it's an illusion (ok, Albert Einstein said so) and some say Time is God.
What is Time? 

My Snowy, My Baby, My Love

 I wanted someone to not say a word to me, yet comfort me. I wanted someone to not judge me and still accept me the way I am. I wanted someone to show me that she can’t live without me, that I’m her world.

And I got such a someone. After my 10^th board results, it was easy to blackmail mom into getting me a puppy of my own. Little did she know that giving that one nod would change her and all of our lives so much. We welcomed Snowy to our house in 2009. It’s been 3 years and I can’t imagine my life without that little ball of fur.

Only those who have pets can truly understand what having a pet means. Sure, you’ve got to do all the dirty things, clean up and stuff but it’s all completely worth it. When there’s always someone who welcomes you back home after a tiring day as if you’d been gone for ages and licks your feet and takes away all your frustration and brings a smile to your face, it’s more than worth it.

The first time I saw Snowy, I fell in love. How could something be so cute and fragile? As she grew (and being an Apso, she didn’t grow so much physically), she taught me so many things. She taught me the meaning of unconditional love. She loves me even if I get a bad result. She would still climb into my lap in winters and keep me warm. She doesn’t judge me, doesn’t ask me where I’ve been or if I’ve been doing anything wrong. Except maybe when I’ve been with another puppy. Then she sniffs me all over with that accusing stare as if to say, “Who were you with?”  She doesn’t waste time being mad. If I irritate her and she gets angry, she would growl but if next second I scratch her neck, she would start purring.

I thought Edward was daft when he said he could watch Bella sleep all night. I can watch my Snowy sleep all day. Yes, she has grown fat but she is still the cutest creature I’ve known. She forces me to clean my room. Otherwise you would find a bundle of socks and other stuff in some corner of the house, all collected by this mischievous puppy. I used to think dogs are so brave and intelligent. It’s when I brought up my own dog that I realized how extremely scared and dumb they are. Or maybe it’s just my upbringing…

Snowy is scared of mice. And lizards. And everything that moves. But if I’m around, she thinks of herself as super-dog and barks at even the hugest of animals. She makes a face if I give her dog food. She has to eat whatever I’m eating. This way I get rid of the peas in my plate without being scolded by mom(hehehe). She would never sleep till the time everyone is home and in bed. If papa is late one day, she would sit at the door, waiting for him. She takes care of everyone as if she owns us. In a way, she does. She has got us all hooked on to her. Being a creature that can’t trap people with words or money, she does an awesome job keeping us addicted to her. 

Does Name Matter?

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."

I’ve always wondered what the big deal about this quote was. Sure, considering the tragedy that befell Romeo because of his name Montague was central to Shakespeare’s drama but in today’s world, does one’s name really matter?

As a matter of fact, yes.

I didn’t care about people’s unpronounceable surnames or funny middle names when I was in school but in college, someone’s ‘caste’ is suddenly a very big thing. It’s the first thing one asks while befriending a person. If you’re a Punjabi, you’re supposed to be this alcohol drinking, dancing person. If you’re a Baniya, you hate spending money. If you’re a Jaat, you’re rowdy and somewhat indecent.

Why do we classify people on the basis of their surnames?

I have all kinds of friends in college. Yes, they include Baniya and Jaat and Punjabi and South Indian and some more I hadn’t heard of before. But they are not always what their surnames suggest they should be like.

We study in a national university; we are from educated respected backgrounds, so how does it matter what a person writes after their first name?

It’s not like we even get to decide our first name, let alone our last name. We are what we become, not where we’re born right? In a utopian society, yes. In the practical world, not so much. We need to grow up and move beyond the boundaries of names and castes and focus on abilities.

That said, I totally second Kareena Kapoor’s character in 3 Idiots when she says “I won’t change my name after marriage to Chhanchhar”, because really, who wants to be called Mrs. Chhanchhar?

Pitchfork

A star in the sky,
A drop in the ocean, 
A shell on the beach,
Useful to anyone?
Lost in the crowd,
Searching for passion.


North Star to the traveller
Paradise to the scorched
Home to a pearl
The real purpose forged?

Letting the storm pass,
Holding the roots tight
Afraid to be blown
Or enjoying the sight?


Ended already
Or yet to start;
Closer still
Or time to part;
Illusion of insecurity
Or belief of the heart?

Love is not Abuse

Every other person out there has or is in search of a boyfriend or girlfriend.  I won’t get into the reasons for that need or want but something that happens after one gets such a desired person is very intriguing.

Some people find eternal bliss (I don’t get this part, how can one’s happiness depend on another one? But this is still not the issue I want to talk about.) But there are some who change in a relationship, which is also perfectly natural. What I really want to focus on is the abuse one experiences in a not-so-happy relationship.

A girl whose boyfriend borrows money from her and never returns it and beats her up if she ever asks for it back is an obvious example. She is tortured both physically and mentally in her relationship.  There are people who KNOW that they’re not really happy in the relationship but they still won’t end it because they fear being alone. Some don’t even realise that physically hurting someone isn’t the only abuse that exists; mental torture is more common and better hidden, yet more harmful.

‘Emotional blackmail’- just two simple words. But do we really go to the depths of it? ‘If you love me, you would have blah blah blah”, “if you thought of me as someone special, you would have been there for me, fuck your priorities”. I thought people we consider special encourage us, not bring us down.  Why would such a person force you to do something or maybe not do something you consider important? Just to satisfy his ego, that he makes the decisions for you, that he is most important?

People in these relationships sometimes mistake the abuse for intense feelings of caring or concern. It can even seem flattering. Invading one’s privacy, like checking the phone frequently or getting angry or jealous often, count as abuses. Relationship abuse, just like any other abuse, can leave a person feeling isolated and lonely. Seen that movie Pyaar Ka Panchnama? Don’t the three girls abuse their respective boyfriends in that movie? Admit it or not, that is way more common than one would accept.

Love is not abuse, and we should never mistake it for the latter. We choose to be in a relationship in hope that it will make us better persons. If it does not, we have every right to end it and get out of it.