Prologue to 'Through My Eyes' by Ashoki

“He’s God; living God on Earth.”

Did I believe it then? Not at all.

When that Uncle told me about Guruji many years ago, I was as sceptic as anyone. Being a literate, worldly businessman, I couldn’t just digest the notion that the man in the photo, which I was being shown, was God.

The man in the photo had no hair on His head, had a little squint in His eyes and a look of amusement on His face. God? Sure, He looked smarter than the average Indian man, but no way did He look anything like the picture of God I had in my mind! No long flowing hair, no snake around the neck, no Ganges flowing from the head, no Trishul in His hand. How could this be Shiv?

Yes, I had a lot of speculations. But there was one question that nagged me- if He really is God, can I afford to lose Him?

No, not a chance. And it wasn’t like anyone could make a fool out of me just by entangling me with myths and lore. That’s when I decided to go take a look, just in case. I had nothing to lose anyway. 

I am a girl and I want to become a Pilot.

Those two phrases when put together raise a lot of eyebrows. A pilot is supposed to be this hotshot macho man in a uniform, manning a plane like a, well, man. So when people hear my career choice, they are skeptic.

That sometimes makes ME skeptic. Is it possible to fly? Can I really be one of those who sit in a cockpit and have that air of confidence around them? During my interview, I was told that 80% of the people who join the flying academy are boys. So was my gender going to pull me down from achieving or even dreaming my dream?

Hell no.

It’s a challenge to go up against the society norms. “You’re supposed to have a family and take care of the house and be a literally down to earth person.” Well, I would accept and abide by this if my brother does too. If he can fly, so can I. Simple as that.

I have heard a lot of people taunting pilot aspirants, “you must be filthy rich, that’s why you’re going to fly”, “you must suck at studies, that’s why you aren’t taking up something more challenging”, “you must not be ambitious at all” and on and on it goes. I would like to break some of these prejudices.

Someone who is filthy rich can take up any career option he or she likes, just like someone who is not so filthy rich can. Education is an investment to an extent and a flying school is a SCHOOL which means it is a part of one’s education. And if you think that someone who is dumb in school can easily become a pilot, you’re highly mistaken. We need to give exams before we get our license and to renew our license every few months, we need to give those exams again. It’s a continuous study. We are fit and healthy people because we control an aircraft which flies 30 thousand feet above the ground. We are responsible for the 100-200 people on board and we take that responsibility very seriously.

Talking about ambition, sometimes travelling can be one’s ambition. Earning money is another. Sure, we may not get famous but does everybody in any job get fame so easily? No. a pilot’s job is as ambitious as a banker’s job- aim is to earn good money and live life happily.

Yet at times, we need motivation to keep going. It’s challenging to not know what to expect. Every flight is the same yet different. Weather conditions, the aircraft itself, the air traffic controller…there are so many factors and so many people who contribute to a safe flight. We are trained to manage the worst; we are trained to be calm and patient. We are trained to be spontaneous and make quick yet well calculated decisions. It’s scary to have that much pressure. And we are trained to not buckle in that kind of pressure.

Like any other field, the more knowledge you have, the safer you feel. So gaining knowledge is a first. Watching Air Crash Investigations episodes on YouTube or reading From the Ground Up by Sandy Macdonald are just a few ways by which a student can know more and more about flying. Experience on the other hand, just like in any other field, counts the most. Keeping oneself updated about aviation news and reading aviation novels like those by Glenn Meade and Ronan Ray also keeps one hooked. A pilot is not supposed to build a plane. But without a pilot, an airplane engineer’s job is a waste. The world needs some kickass fearless people who are ready to take up challenges and fly into the unknown (not literally; today we have almost the entire airspace mapped. But you get my point)

Watching a crew walk by the long queues of passengers is a sight I would always look at with awe. It’s evident in the way they speak that they know what they’re doing and they are well prepared. There is something so awesome about their uniform and the epaulettes on their shoulders. There is something so utterly sexy about the way they carry themselves.

A dream is an illusion of the sub conscious mind for some people. But for some others, a dream is what keeps them alive and going. And my dream? My dream is to fly, over the rainbow so high!

I Don't Miss My Mom.

Yes, it’s as simple as that.

It’s not like she was a bad mother. It’s not like I was not attached to her. Maybe she was; maybe I was. But does it matter right now, at this very moment?

She isn’t around me, she isn’t loving me, she isn’t taking care of me right now. Her role in my life ended six months ago. Maybe I am being a rude daughter; maybe it seems like I never loved her. The fact is, she isn’t here.  

Am I angry at her for that? Am I feeling abandoned? Not at all.

My life changed in these last six months. I got a new family. I never had sisters; I got 3 sisters. I never had older brothers; I got 3 of them. I never knew what it was like to have a grandmother living in the house. Now I do. I never knew how much fun it is to have a baby around. Now I know. I always lived in a nuclear family. Now I live I a joint one, that too a huge one. I have never seen my house so full. Now it’s not my house; it belongs to ten more people.

Maa is not here, so what? People who are here, they matter. Have I forgotten her? So soon? Maybe, maybe not. Does it really matter?

Her death taught me that life can’t be taken for granted. She went away so abruptly, so suddenly, that there was never any time for a goodbye. And why can’t the same fate be mine? What if I don’t wake up tomorrow?

If today was my last day, would I spend it crying for someone who-wait. Let’s end it here-would I spend it crying? No I would not. So is ‘missing Maa’ a check on the to-do list? Am I considered a bad daughter if I don’t miss someone who lived with me for 20 years?

Is being emotional as per the society’s notions the only reaction I should be giving? Should I be crying for my mother just because I should be crying for my mother?

That’s not what my father taught me. That’s not how I grew up to be. My mom made me independent, ready to take on the world alone if need be. She would be proud of me. Then again, who knows? It’s not my headache to assume what my late mother would be thinking of me right now. That’s just stupid.

Right now, I have a full house. Right now, nothing in my house is amiss. Right now, everyone around me is laughing. Someone is cooking good food, someone is dancing away to the new Honey Singh song, someone is teaching someone about the new gadgets in town and this baby? She is laughing just because she wants to. She doesn’t know that a member of the family is not around.  She lives in the present. She smiles and laughs and bangs her head into other peoples’ heads. She’s happy.

So am I.

And to feel guilty about being happy? No, that’s not how we are. Happiness for us doesn’t lie outside. Happiness for us isn’t even bound with a person. Happiness for us is believing that right now, at this very moment, we are alive. That is reason enough to celebrate. Happiness is focussing on the part that is HERE and not at the part that isn’t. Happiness is contagious. And we are highly infected people.

Being happy is not a goal for us; it isn’t time bound or condition based. Being happy for us is just being. Right here, right now, at this very moment. 

It's a Good Life.

What I learnt from the BDC in the last few months:

1.       It’s okay to cry. But it’s more okay to smile. It’s a habit, not a necessity.

2.       Keep yourself entertained. Otherwise Vinni is always there to take the lead.

3.       Have Hit fights. Or polish fights. It keeps your laughter muscles in good working condition.

4.       It’s totally okay to indulge in death humour. If something is kept ‘safe’ in some cupboard, it’s okay to say that we should call Maa and ask her. And then to say that the line is busy at the moment.

5.       Good food is very important for life. Learn to cook like Wifey, or drive away to Faridabad.

6.       Parties are also important. Going to Goa is a nice idea once in a while.

7.       Sleeping excessively is always easy. But then, it’s a waste of time.

8.       Sitting on your wife or putting your kid in a bucket are good entertainment practices.

9.       General knowledge should be a priority. Otherwise people will take your case and not let you live. Read the paper.

10.   Half-smile or scratching the head all the time will make us call you GB and no, you don’t want that.

11.   Leaving your in-laws/baby/family/a rented house are not sacrifices if you get to live here on a full-time basis. This is a party house, admit it.

12.   It’s okay to call any random ugly girl as Zehreeli.

13.   Walking regularly is important. But we will still love you if you have elephant thighs, don’t worry.

14.   The babies in the house should not be manhandled. Or they can be; it’s fun.

15.   Cleanliness does not exist anymore. It’s okay. A messy house is better than an empty house.

16.   Birthday celebrations may involve balloon fights on the road, face-in-the-cake moments and 1000 pictures.

17.   Each time you visit your hair laser clinic, it’s okay to post your Rajnikant style photo in the group. It’s proof that you’re not sleeping in Saket but are actually busy; that’s why you didn’t come to office.

18.   Not bathing for days is okay; no one cares.

19.   Pink pajamas with pink jackets are totally in. Really, I mean it.

20.   Keeping quiet in an argument makes the definition of an argument void.

21.   There should be a designated person who decides what should be cooked for breakfast, lunch and dinner daily.

22.   No matter the number of people, there is always space in the house for everyone.

23.   Foreheads are not normally so big. It’s okay if you do; we still love you.

24.   It’s okay if you don’t get a beard at the age of 18. We won’t abandon you.

25.   Snowy is not a dog. Accept it.

26.   It’s nice to decide every morning which car you should drive today. We have a lot of variety.

27.   Weird songs and weird dances are most welcome, any time, any day. We value creative minds.

28.   Missing clothes are not really missing. They’re here only…somewhere.

29.   Little people are also interesting creatures.

30.   It’s good to talk. And listen. It makes you more intelligent.

31.   Jealousy is natural. But gaining victory over it is real satisfaction. He loves you more than you deserve anyway.

32.   Fitting on a single bed is not difficult. Fitting in a single car is also not difficult.

33.   If the house can function normally without her, the world can function without you too. Yes, that’s your value.

34.   Home food every day is not good for health.

35.   This time will also end. BDC may also end one day. But for now, this is real awesomeness.

36.   Never ever leave your Facebook account logged in.
37. Everything can be done in wholesale. Attending parties, shopping, or even going for medical check-ups. That's real unity.

Bitterness- Letting Go.

I think I’ve been splashing around in the water, fearing that I might drown, for a very long time now. I feel like I’ve been waiting for someone to come into the water and pull me to the shore. And if people just sit at the shore and watch, I shout at them, hating them for being safe. What I don’t realise is that for them, the depth isn’t visible. And what I don’t realise is that if I just float, the current will automatically take me to the shore.

I’ve been stupid; very stupid. I’ve let go of emotions which I should not have and I have held close the emotions I should have let go a long time ago. Fear, betrayal, loss, pain, abandonment, loneliness- just words aren’t they-simple to type, very hard to let go. I expected. I waited for them to-what? Pity me? No. To realise I’ve been through a lot? No; I read the paper and I am generally aware that what I went through wasn’t the worst of it all. There are worse situations one can find himself in. Then what had I been waiting for?

I have no answer to that, really.

To suffer after the worst is over, is purely one’s own choice. The human mind is capable of withstanding a lot of hard to understand situations. But the society isn’t. For them, death is scary. It’s a synonym for all those words which I mentioned above. But now, after four months, death is a truth of life. Life goes on, as always. I didn’t die with her, did I? I’m still living. And it is my choice whether I pity myself or I let go of that and smile. Not for them, but for myself. Because it’s true, no one does jump into the water to save you.

Also, now that I choose to float instead of splashing around for help, I realise that the view is brilliant when expectations aren’t fogging my vision. In the end, it’s a one-man show. Everyone stands (or floats) alone. Another important thing I now remember is that I can swim. Why do I even need help then?

Maa

You kept badgering me to do house chores. In the end, you let me be.

Now do you see me, managing the entire house, or trying to?

You kept trying to instil in me the passion for cooking. Then you let me be.

Now do you see me, feeling so helpless in the kitchen, wishing I had learnt cooking from you? Or at least your special dishes?

You taught me to take care of Papa, my brothers and Snowy. But did that mean that your job was over?

No, I don’t feel like you’ve left me here burdened with responsibilities because that you had taught me how to tackle ages ago- how to manage everything and still take out time to chill.

Snowy was missing you today. She kept sitting in front of your cupboard and now she won’t eat. There’s no good food anymore, who wants to eat anyway?

I had always told you I love you whenever you dropped me to the metro station in the mornings. For the last few times, I hadn’t. I wished my actions showed more than what those words tried to convey.

A few days before when I had hugged you, even after getting scolded for no apparent reason, did I know that this would be the last time I would hold you so tight and see your face light up?

No I did not.

You didn’t give us any time. There was no time to digest it and maybe that’s why I still haven’t accepted it yet. I still think you would come in through those doors like you had never left us. I still hope I would see you smile that Madhuri Dixit smile and with the red bindi on your forehead, light up the whole world.

The other day, I locked myself up in the room and just looked at the Kalash kept on the side table. That’s what you are now, ashes in a box. I cried holding your clothes and inhaling in your sweet fragrance. I wish you had come to scold me for keeping your cupboard in such a messy condition. Papa had asked me to stuff all your hair clips and cosmetics there because he couldn’t bear to look at those abandoned things on the dressing table.

Abandoned.

Just like us. The doctors said that it was a miracle that you yourself had driven to the hospital in that condition. They said that the virus which attacked your heart showed no explicit symptoms and had no cure. There was really nothing we could have done. They said they couldn’t put you on life support because your blood pressure wasn’t stable. They let us come meet you in the ICU. You talked to us. You didn’t even know. You asked us when these stupid doctors would let you come back home. We had no answer. You promised Papa you wouldn’t leave him. You gave me a flying kiss and I had to fight back tears before I could give you one back. I touched your forehead and it was so cold, so cold. Then we were asked to go out. Ten minutes later, I saw them do that electric shock thing to you which used to look funny to me in movies. That time, it looked anything but funny.

They asked us to come see you. You breathed your last in Papa’s arms. He tried to wake you up but you didn’t. Your tongue had rolled up. It was the first time I had seen a dead body.

A dead body.

That’s what you had become. Within hours, our world had come crashing down.

You hated cold and you were brought back and kept in an ice box. You slept on ice for 10 hours. Next day, the ladies of the house dressed you up in your favourite clothes. They asked me to pick out the attire. That red suit which you loved. They asked Papa to put that red bindi on your forehead. He put Sindoor on you and then coloured your lips with a lipstick. For the first time, I saw him kiss you on the lips. Then he held you tight and cried. I held you tight and cried. My brothers held you tight and cried. You went on sleeping, dressed in your best. Sleeping beauty wakes up when the prince kisses her. Why didn’t you, Maa?

Your sons have been so strong. Varun performed all those rituals and stuff. Even the one which required him to prod the funeral pyre to break the skull. The next day we collected your ashes. Brought you back home.

Home? No, this wasn’t a home anymore. Home has a mother. Home has a wife. This had neither.

They got your picture printed. That’s what you were now, just a photo on the wall. The same one which was clicked just a week ago, at the wedding for which we had dressed up so much. We had had the time of our lives. All your wishes had gotten fulfilled in the last few months, we realised.

The one thing you wanted most was Papa’s time. The last 2 weeks had been such that Papa hadn’t gone to office and had stayed home with you. He had pampered you and then you left him. You left all of us.

You didn’t see me get published. I had shown you the cover of my book and you had been so happy. I saw all the poems I had written for you, saved in a neat file in your cupboard. You had cherished all the cards too. There was a huge folder with all our certificates. You were proud of us, I know. But you didn’t see Varun get into college or Aditya get his scholar blazer.

I was angry. Very angry. You didn’t fight for us. You didn’t give us a chance to say goodbye. Even though I know that if it had been longer, it would have been worse. And you didn’t suffer at all, that’s also good. But since you had left us here suffering, you should have suffered too.

Papa says I need to smile for his sake. He says that if I am sad, he won’t have any reason to smile. We need to find happiness in small things and help each other.

We don’t need sympathy. We don’t need pity. We don’t need any kind of obligated help from anyone. We are fine, just by ourselves, just with ourselves.

Papa says time heals everything and my brothers wouldn’t even miss you much after a year or so because they’re young. But I will and he will. There is no escaping the truth. You’re never going to be here. I don’t have a mother anymore and Papa is a widow.

I felt blank after a few days. No emotions. Life was going on. Friends with other priorities had finally found time to meet, relatives who had never been to this house before came to offer their condolences. It was annoying after a while. We wanted to be left alone. People who actually mattered never left us. They are still here, showing in their actions that they care. They don’t let us be alone at home. Someone or the other stays and keeps us company. There had been a reason why they had come so close to us in the last one year. There is always a reason.

But stupid logical reasoning wasn’t going to suffice. The truth won’t change.

Every time Papa goes into the room suddenly, I know I have to follow. He needs tight hugs and strong shoulders. It hurts to see my strongest hero in such a mess. 20 years of marriage. You had always fought but then made up too! Why did you have to leave us permanently?

Before leaving for office, Papa used to hug you tight and kiss you on the cheek. Now he kisses your photo. Every time I see that, my eyes well up with tears. I used to hate those kinds of people who kept crying. I always told them to live, for life was short. Now I had become one of those. Even though Papa says that crying is also important, this sinking feeling just won’t go.

Emptiness. Nothing to hold on to, nothing left to lose.

6 months later, this unit called family won’t exist anymore. I would complete my graduation and move on to make my career. Varun would pass out from school and go to college. Aditya would go to a boarding school. Where will that leave Papa? Where will he stay and with whom?

We will see as it comes. Worrying 6 months in advance wasn’t going to do us any good. There is no tomorrow. What is there is today. When being strong is the only option left, one has to be strong. I feel old and like a housewife presently but I know that this phase too shall pass. Nothing is for ever. But these memories won’t go. They will stay.

Nostalgia hasn’t struck us yet. We can’t bring ourselves to look at your photos or remember what all you used to do or how you used to be. We just can’t talk about you in the ‘used to’ tense. But we will someday. We will have to. There is no running away. 

Hear Us Out, Please.

Dear People Aged 40 and Above,

Hey, what’s up? Yes, that’s how we greet each other in this generation. I’m sure it’s not as cool as Namaste or ‘Paeri Pauna ji’ but it’s not that bad either if you think about it.

I know you think of us as people who have no manners, no respect and absolutely no values. But that’s not the case. I’m not here to disregard all your teachings and ‘Sanskar’; I’m just here to present the case of the younger generation. We aren’t as bad as you think we are.

We may not have seen the hardships of life as you people have; we may not have had to work right from scratch to earn a living but that doesn’t mean we’re a bunch of losers. A spoilt brat is not made overnight; it’s the way he’s brought up. Who’s fault is that then? Not his, I’m sure. If his parents have given him a good life, all the super electronics and the best of clothes, is it his fault that this is the life he is acquainted with? Is he supposed to throw it all away just because you want him to learn how it is to live a poorer life?

Yes, you had your obstacles in life. We do too. We have a lot more competition than you people did in your time. Earning a name among a population of billions is not that easy. It’s not like we get everything on a plate. Just because we don’t go through the same difficulties that you did, doesn’t mean we don’t face difficulties at all.

It’s a convention in many houses that one needs to be a doctor or an engineer to be called successful. That was years ago. In today’s world, the one who tries something new and different walks the path of success. We explore new ventures; we walk the unknown. Doesn’t that make us more daring?

Getting married as soon as a girl crosses 21 years of age isn’t appreciated anymore. Girls aren’t burdens. It’s not like they’re living with you just to be fed properly and then sent off to another house. We live in a modern society. A girl has as big dreams as a boy does. We want you to recognise that.

You say we have taken all the wrong ideas from the west. If a boy is sent abroad to study and he becomes an NRI, he’s respected but if a girl tries to do the same, she’s getting out of hands. Moving on from gender discrimination, weren’t you the people who taught us that there is a big wide world out there which is yet to be explored? You taught us to dream and then you crashed all those dreams. We didn’t ask you to be what we wanted. Why is it the other way round? Aren’t we more independent now? Isn’t that the first step towards salvation? Getting rid of all boundaries?

Our dressing style, our eating habits, and our odd time tables don’t match. We like to experiment, to discover ourselves. We believe in casting ourselves out of this cocoon. How is that bad? Yes, we will make mistakes. But you did too, didn’t you? Just because our choices aren’t the same as yours doesn’t mean our decisions don’t affect our lives as your decisions affected you. We will learn, just like you did. We can’t live the same way for the world isn’t the same as it was before.

You taught us to adjust. You taught us to make the best of what we have. Isn’t that what we are doing? You say we don’t save anymore. That you used to work so hard that you earned for the entire household and a family of 6 or 7 and still had enough to put in a bank. The economy in your times was much different than what it is today. If the prices increased, the work load also did. Just because we aren’t doing much of physical work doesn’t mean our work is useless. If we’re working hard and partying harder, how is that bad? We keep a balance in our lives. We don’t see the need to save for someone who would never appreciate our hard work. That’s your complaint, right? That we don’t appreciate all that you’ve done for us? We would like to learn from your mistakes and not land ourselves in the same regret-zone as you did. We earn for ourselves and we enjoy that. We save too whilst not compromising with living our lives. It’s today that we live for, not a tomorrow we haven’t seen.

Let us breathe. We deserve to be given a chance. We deserve to be taken seriously. We aren’t ‘loose characters’. We aren’t that bad. Please don’t look down upon us as if we’re scum. We deserve to be heard.